Sometimes I hear from wives who are devastated not only by their husband’s cheating or affair, but also by the loss of intimacy and physical contact. For whatever reason, sex has been taken off the table. So, at a time when a wife is already hurt and confused, she is now struggling with the fact that she can’t be sure of being intimate. This leaves her wondering if her husband is still sexually attracted to her and if her marriage will be able to recover or not.
She might say, “My husband had an affair about two months ago. At first, I didn’t even talk to him. Eventually, I let him come see the kids, and slowly we started talking again. I can tell he feels very guilty and ashamed he goes out of his way to be accommodating and nice to me he told me that although he would like to stay married and would never cheat on me again he cant ask me to stay with him because he doesnt know if he could stay with me if i cheated on him He’s basically saying he wouldn’t blame me if I refused to take him back, I told him I’m “I’m going to take my time making a decision. But until this week, I was really considering it. However, last weekend the kids and I watched a movie with my husband and fell asleep. My husband and I ended up talking and laughing. One thing led to another and before long we were kissing. When things were about to get intimate, my husband pulled away and said, “I just can’t have it.” x with you right now. I was stunned, so I asked him, ‘can’t you or won’t you?’ He got up and said, “I just can’t. I’m sorry.” I have no idea what to do with this. I’ve tried to ask him about this, but he always changes the subject. Isn’t he attracted to me? He is unable to physically complete the task due to the affair? I want to save my marriage, but I also want to get back to having a healthy sex life one day. Why couldn’t a man have sex with his wife after the affair?
I can’t speak for your husband, but I suspect it’s not that he couldn’t have sex with you. I suspect that she could have completed the task if she felt good about it. However, many men have a bit of guilt and shame after the affair. So they know that having sex again could create a lot of discomfort and negative feelings. For one thing, they may very much want to have sex with you. But they are ashamed of this desire because they feel they have no right to ask you for it. Also, they know that when you get naked and start having sex, you may both be caught up in thoughts of him having sex with someone else, since that injury is so fresh. The idea of this could terrify him. And you might think it’s better to wait to have sex than to try it now and have it suck. Also, he may not want it to seem like he’s only interested in having sex with you when he really doesn’t deserve it.
I know this is painful and can feel like rejection, but let’s look at the facts. Her husband and you were having a nice and joyful time laughing together. He was clearly interested when he was kissing you. And then something changed. Since he told you that he would like to save your marriage, I highly doubt that he is not attracted to you. In fact, I’m sure it was tempting to have sex. However, he was probably trying to avoid a potentially embarrassing or awkward encounter. And maybe he didn’t want you to feel taken advantage of in the morning or he didn’t want you to feel guilty.
Many couples delay sex after an affair for a couple of different reasons. They want to make sure the time is right. They don’t want to rush in and potentially create bigger problems than they already had. Many know that if the sex was awkward and just not good, then they would interpret that as their marriage was doomed. So they wait until they are sure that it will be correct, because they know that it will be analyzed.
Your husband might have the same thought process. She may want to wait until you’re both sure the time is right. He may not want to be like the creep who pressures his wife into sex after her affair. And you probably know that both of you might have thoughts about the affair during sex. All of these reasons explain why it can really make sense to wait.