There are few sentences that are more feared in a marriage than a husband saying “I’m just not happy.” This is such a loaded sentence. You are left wondering if the problem is you, or him, or the marriage as a whole. And, it is quite common to wonder if he is allowing other stressors in his own life to invade his relationship so that he is projecting things like problems with his boss, his family, money problems or other things onto you. It’s frustrating to think that things you have no choice or control over could be contaminating everything you’ve worked to build.
The other day, I received an email from a wife who said “my husband came home today out of the blue and announced that he is currently unhappy. How am I supposed to respond to that?” I asked her if she specifically knew what he was trying to imply because she wanted her to see that she shouldn’t blame or punish herself. Did this mean that she was not happy in the marriage? That she was miserable at his job? That he was disappointed in where he is or what he’s done with his life? That everything is not working out for him right now? The wife was unable to identify specific problems and she said that she generally just said that she was miserable. I’ll tell you how I told him to respond in the next article.
You are not responsible for your husband’s happiness, but you should care deeply about it: I need to get one thing out of the way. A human being cannot control how another feels or experiences life. If your husband has a tendency to be self-critical or pessimistic or to see the glass half empty, it is not your responsibility to carry this on your shoulders. You can’t change this for him. Trying to do it is a losing game. Because once you do this, suddenly everything that goes wrong is your fault and he starts looking at you as something or someone letting him down and he starts seeing you as the problem instead of the solution.
That said, it’s great for your husband to see you and your marriage as a safe haven from life’s hardships, and he obviously doesn’t see things that way right now. The good news is that he is still communicating. I can’t tell you how many wives write to me after the husband has already announced that he is moving out or seeking a divorce. You are ahead of the game here because he gave you this notice and you are trying to communicate. By being honest and telling you that he’s not happy, he’s basically asking you to help him fix this before things get worse. And that is exactly what you should do.
How you should respond when your husband announces that he is not happy:The real question here is what do you do with this information and how do you respond to it? First of all, you need to do everything possible to remain calm. Your overreaction or making a big deal out of it will only intensify the issue in both of your minds. I know this weighs heavily on you, but you don’t need to constantly dwell on this to make it bigger than it already is. If you can’t give a calm, compassionate, rational response, then wait until you can. Because the message you leave is of vital importance.
You want to convey that he is the most important person in your life. Since you love him deeply, of course you want him to be as happy as possible. Explain that it would help if he could share specific details about his concerns. Tell him that there are some things that only he can control. He can’t repair his relationship with his boss, for example, but he’s more than willing to listen and provide a shoulder to lean on and unwavering support. If it’s your marriage that he’s not happy with, then you’re more than willing to work with him until you get to a place where you’re both very satisfied with the results. Your basic message is that his well-being is also your well-being, that you are absolutely on his side and support him, and that you are going to control what you can: your attitude, the way you interact, improving your marriage. while he provides support in the things that he cannot control.
Follow what you said:It is vitally important that you do exactly what you promised. You can’t say all these nice words, wait out the storm, and then go back to the faulty way you’ve been doing things. Take a hard look at your marriage, identify where you could improve, and get to work.
With that being said though, the last thing you want to do is make this process read negatively for your husband. He’s just not going to want to roll up his sleeves and “work on her marriage,” especially when he’s struggling. You want to give him something that excites him. Instead of having harsh, awkward arguments about what’s wrong, focus on what’s right. Think about how you used to have fun together, and recreate those experiences with an eye toward what you both enjoy today. Disconnect from your obligations for a while and make it a priority to reconnect without all the pressure. Don’t try too hard. Don’t constantly ask him where he is in the process. Just focus on creating pleasurable experiences that leave both of you with smiles on your faces.
Telling you that he is not happy is usually a passive-aggressive way of asking for more attention and more fun and excitement in both of your lives. Make sure this is the message you are hearing. Don’t take it as critical and don’t get defensive. Use this as an opportunity to create lives that will bring you both joy.