Many women see their husbands very differently after he cheats on them or has an affair. This often involves perceptions of what’s inside, which is something you can’t see. Sometimes, however, there is a change in perception about what you see on the outside. And this change can come from the man himself. He may see himself differently (and more positively) because he internalizes the approval that he believes he is receiving from the other woman.
A wife might describe this situation: “My husband has always been a decent-looking guy. But he’s never been vain. That’s something I’ve always loved about him. I always thought he was beautiful, but he never seemed to think so.” about himself. He could look good without even trying. He has no self-awareness and he would wear whatever clothes he chose in about two seconds and not care about his appearance. Outward appearance never really meant much to my husband and that was a huge draw for me. Well, ever since he had an affair, suddenly how his appearance matters a lot to her. That was actually one of the reasons I suspected he was having an affair. Suddenly, he started going to a stylist instead of him. from his regular hairdresser. Instead of ordering his old clothes from a catalog, he started shopping at the store where my son shops, which caters to a much younger crowd. He traded in his SUV and bought a sports car that is too small for our family. He caught her getting ready in the mirror at l time. He almost struts when he walks. It’s like he thinks he’s a male role model instead of a middle-aged father. Honestly, he had thought that he wanted to save my marriage, but his concern for his appearance now brings me down a lot. I’ve never liked cocky, self-important men, and that’s how my husband acts, like he thinks he’s kind of hot. He is handsome. But he is still a middle-aged man. And he doesn’t seem to understand that.”
I know how frustrating this can be. He “doesn’t seem to understand” that he is a middle-aged man because he just doesn’t want to, at least for now. In fact, most of the time, that’s what it’s all about. He doesn’t have much to do with the other woman. But it has everything to do with him desperately trying to prove to himself that he’s still worth it and that he’s still in the game. Many men have affairs at a time when they seriously doubt their own attractiveness. So when the other woman tells him how handsome he is (or at least she says it with her actions), sometimes it’s exactly what he wanted to hear.
Many of us don’t appreciate that men have second thoughts about their appearance in the same way that women do. And many of us women will feel that a man who cares about his appearance is pathetic and vain. I understand this and had the same thoughts. But one day I was in the bathroom and I was applying a strong moisturizer and I was feeling a little depressed. And I realized that it was actually the same thing that my husband was probably going through. Many things about aging are wonderful. We often realize the truths of life that have eluded us for a long time. We are often settled and more confident in some areas. But we all look in the mirror and we know very well that our appearance is changing. Men are no different.
I’m not trying to defend your husband. But I’m trying to give you peace of mind that this doesn’t always last forever. This will often end around the same time as the affair, especially if her husband is the one who broke off the relationship. I know very few men who continue to act this way years after the fact. This is a way they externalize what they feel inside. Once the novelty wears off on the inside, you usually see it change on the outside.
One way to help him have a little patience with this (and not get discouraged) is to try to see him for what he really is: a middle-aged man struggling with insecurity. It may seem presumptuous on the outside, but it is actually insecurity. And we all have insecurities as we age. And many of us will try different skin care regimens or hairstyles or dress styles to counteract this and feel better.
Yes, your husband has taken it too far. But I suspect it won’t last. I know you may be tempted to tell him how stupid he looks, but this can make him feel even more insecure and actually reinforce the behavior. It may seem like you are grooming more rather than less. I think it’s better to try to see him as someone who is struggling and know that it will probably happen. It’s more important to decide where you want to go from here than to concentrate on grooming him.