Talkative friendliness is the first rule of face-to-face communication. Shy people communicate with poor eye contact, standing out of a crowd, speaking very little, and generally appearing as though they don’t need, or want, any contact. Our extrovert world insists that shyness and introversion are abnormal, takes shy people for their own sake, and ignores them. But what if they told you that the body language of shy people communicates nothing to do with what they really feel inside? What if you knew that despite all those signs of hostility, there’s a good chance there’s a quick wit and a warm heart underneath?

The first misconception is that the body language of shy people excludes you. He is not excluding you, he is closing himself off. Their shyness makes them appear hostile. But they don’t really want to freeze you, the shy response is locking them in.

Everyone feels shy at some point, but introverts feel just as shy maybe 1000 times more. Extroverts step in and just shake off the fear. However, with introverts, fear doesn’t get the words out of their mouths. Freeze the thoughts in their heads. Their mouths remain tightly shut, overwhelmed by the pace at which others communicate. They start to panic, which then makes everything worse.

Why are some people like this?

They are born like this. Most people are ambiverts, which means they go from being an introvert to an extrovert depending on the situation. They are calm and thoughtful at times, the life of the party at other times. Others are mostly introverts or extroverts and can’t just switch gears.

They are hypersensitive. Your nerve endings absorb more influences than your brain can process. This includes only the normal energy of another person. Needing to feel less overwhelmed, instead of reaching out to you, they back away.

They were seriously injured by contact with other people. Maybe someone they cared about made them feel like their opinions and company were unwanted. They learned to wait for a sign that people appreciate their participation.

Extroversion is valued because it alleviates our social fears. Extroverts seem to be less fearful and tend to be more entertaining. That takes pressure off everyone else. Many people are afraid of silence and feel that something is wrong if every second is not filled with conversation. If the crowd detects a shy person, they are quick to express discomfort. The crowd ignores the shy person and talks over them. For all intents and purposes the shy person ceases to exist. That only reinforces the rejection felt by a shy person. A deep resentment begins to grow at the lack of support or understanding. A confrontation develops because everyone feels rejected.

So here are some dos and don’ts that extroverts can do to help resolve the situation.

not to do

  • Don’t look at or completely ignore shy people like there’s a big hole in the room and they are. They won’t take the hint and suddenly become talkative.
  • Don’t ask them why they are so quiet. This tells them that they are not acceptable and should be just like everyone else.
  • Don’t assume they’re ignoring you because they think you’re not good enough for their company. In fact, they are probably giving you too much importance. The panic has to do with your fear of your rejection.
  • Don’t assume that just because a person isn’t talking, he or she is a snob, has nothing to say, is dull, boring, or too lazy to talk.
  • Don’t assume they’re quiet because they’d rather hear you talk about yourself. Being thrown into a monologue only reinforces the fact that, to you, they don’t exist.
  • Don’t be afraid of silence. It really won’t hurt anyone.

Behind

  • Approach a shy person with the same delight that you show everyone else. It’s not about you, really. They are like that with all strangers. Most of the time they are relieved and grateful that someone has noticed them and thinks they are interesting enough to approach.
  • Make eye contact with the shy when making a comment to the crowd. This indicates that he or she is part of the crowd.
  • Ask how they know the host and skip over anything that seems like a common experience. This will melt your reserve, but maybe not right away. If they run to the food table or get another drink, don’t take it personally. They may just need the space to absorb what is happening. They will remember your gesture. They’ll remember that you didn’t treat them like a big hole in the room, and they’ll be much more relaxed around you next time.
  • Be patient. A shy person needs to take time to calm down, let their brain relax and allow thoughts to travel to the tongue. It may seem like you’re doing all the work and that feels like a drag, but if you just put up with the fleeting eyes and quick ‘yes’ and ‘no’ answers, there’s a good chance it will be worth it.

But maybe it won’t. Some shy people are as boring as they come, while some extroverts aren’t as interesting as they think they are. It’s okay to walk away from both if you don’t feel a connection. But giving the shy person a chance means at least the possibility of a new friend, contact, or opportunity in your life that may not have existed before.