It has become a deep concern to me lately that I am becoming a curmudgeon. When one goes to the Miriam-Webster Dictionary (online, of course), a “curmudgeon” is defined as “a bad-tempered, ill-tempered, and generally elderly man.”
In this age of equal opportunity, I’m sure the sexual requirement of this definition can be waived, as so many others are so blithely overlooked these days. I think becoming a full-blown “curmudgeon” no longer requires one to be “old.”
I think the “curmudgeon” happens quite regularly now and is the natural consequence of the fact that living seems to be simply our death. Things that were once the very marrow and juice of life or just the simple activities of daily living are now often fraught with imminent danger and death.
Remember when you could have fun sex on the beach with joy and a thrill of pleasure? The only really bad result of this event was sand in every imaginable and unimaginable place, some bug bites, and maybe some bare-bottom embarrassment. Now, if one dedicates himself to the procreation of the species with nubile abandon in the open air, he can die of lime disease and/or the human immunodeficiency virus; or get shot for trespassing.
When did it stop being fun to eat and stop bringing gastronomical joy? Now it’s a “deadly” business! Red meat and butter will kill you. Tuna, red fish, blue fish, and green fish are full of mercury. Foods that should be simple, good, and honest are now fortified, lactose-free, high-fiber, low-fat, low-protein, high-vitamin, low-calorie, and labeled “this much of this tasty stuff” might not kill you .
Simply transporting the aforementioned groceries from the checkout line to the car can be life threatening. Be aware of the label on plastic food-carrying bags that warns that children should not be allowed to place the bags over their heads. This can cause suffocation. I won’t even address the fact that there might be some hidden benefit to this eventuality.
Even manipulating the results of our buying expeditions can now be dangerous. Have you ever actually read the warnings inside the door of your microwave oven? If you want to continue using this modern marvel, I advise against it.
Cell phones, blessings and banes to our existence, can cause brain cell loss and mental retardation. Has anyone else seen unpopped popcorn kernels explode into a puffy white fulmination when placed next to a ringing cell phone? Now there is room to think! Of course, better to do it quickly. Is that your phone ringing?
Medical care is also of great concern. Almost everyone has had the “heavy” experience of that skirt, vest, and/or pants you have to wear while getting an X-ray of your inner workings for more recommendations. Don’t you just love how the healthcare “techie” runs out of the X-ray room with that “toothless” grin?
It could happen to children; especially teenagers. But, you know, they’re also becoming “curmudgeons” at an alarming rate. The poor darlings are told that those caffeinated energy drinks are now toxic and that their headphone listening habits will defeat them before they’re thirty.
Boy, just thinking about all this can be depressing. However, there may actually be a bright spot… or two. Do I remember correctly reading something about a couple glasses of red wine and reduction in heart disease?