People give and receive love in different ways. Our tendency is to give love the way we like to receive love. However, if your love language is not the same as your loved one’s, they may feel like you are constantly giving to them and they may complain that they don’t feel like you love them. It is as if you speak to them in English and they only understand French. When love is not communicated effectively, it can create feelings of confusion, anger, and frustration. There is a simple solution to this dilemma. Learn to speak the five love languages. Then find out which languages you and your partner respond to. Once you know their preferred language, you can speak to them in the language they understand. Then teach them your preferred languages so you can receive love in a way that nurtures you, too.
The five love languages are:
words of affirmation– Some people want to feel seen and appreciated for who they are and what they do through words of recognition. They need to hear you tell them, on a regular basis, that you like their new haircut, that you enjoyed the food they cooked for you, that you noticed they took out the garbage, weeded the garden, or emptied the dishwasher. Your words are a powerful resource for them to feel loved and valued. In the bedroom tell them how much you love the glow of their skin, the way they make you shiver, how their touch drives you crazy.
Quality time– For others words do not mean as much as spending time together. These people want to feel connected through mutual activities. They need to feel your full attention on them and what they are doing together. They want time together to be a priority. These people enjoy a date night, a planned activity that brings them together and in which they focus on each other exclusively. In the bedroom this means setting aside a special moment or even an entire day for love.
gifts– Most people enjoy gifts, but for some people this is the main way they feel loved. This does not mean that they need expensive gifts. In fact, they often prefer sweet or silly gifts that are given spontaneously, for no reason. This guy may feel hurt if he doesn’t give you a present on his birthday or anniversary. The gifts are experienced as an expression of your love for them. In the bedroom, this could take the form of a flower, a card, or a small expression of your love hidden under the pillow.
Acts of Service– Some people feel loved because of what you do for them. These can be everyday things like folding laundry or bringing home a pizza for dinner. It could be great things like taking them on a romantic vacation or remodeling the house. Your actions speak louder than your words. When you do things for them that they want or need done, they feel loved by you. In the bedroom this could be cleaning the bedroom before making love. It could also be a lovemaking session when you just give them.
physical touch– Many people respond more to loving touch. They want to hug, kiss, hold hands, get massages, or snuggle up with you on the couch. Just a simple arm around them as you walk down the street or across the table and touch their hand will allow them to feel your love through the act of physical connection. In the bedroom, this might mean offering a massage as part of foreplay.
How do you like to be loved?
Here are three steps that can help you discover the way you most like to be loved. Ordinarily, we give love in the same way that we enjoy receiving it. So one way to learn how we like to be loved is to notice how we give love to others. Often, we complain to our partner about a need that we feel is not being met. What are your common complaints about the ways you don’t get the love you want? What requests do you make to feel loved? How do you most like to be loved in the bedroom (sexually)?
It is also helpful to increase your awareness of how you give and receive in all of your interactions. When you recognize how people like to be loved, it’s easy to give them what they want in a way that makes them feel good. It is helpful to share this information with your loved one and also with friends and family so that you can be more mindful and give love to each other in ways that are mutually beneficial.
Sometimes learning to speak a new love language is challenging. It may feel awkward or forced at first. Recognize that you are learning a new way of communicating, and just like learning a foreign language, it will take time and practice to learn to speak in a new way that is unfamiliar to you. In the bedroom, you may feel uncomfortable giving love in ways you haven’t before. See this as an adventure and enjoy the process. Learn also to surrender and allow yourself to be loved in new and delicious ways.
This article is based on the book The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate, by Gary Demonte Chapman, if you want to know more I recommend reading it.