Conversation is a communication between two or more people, facilitating the exchange of information among many and bringing together different perspectives on a given topic. It is not so in speech where a person only gives his own views. In a conversation, the contribution of all the participants comes in almost the same measure and is almost balanced. Therefore, the result of a well-conducted conversation is a broader point of view. A meaningful conversation usually results only when all the participants belong to the same sphere. Conversation builds relationships between people and brings out a broader perspective on a given topic. But in conversations, topics change very quickly. However, in conversations it is more important to talk than the content of it. Another flip side of the conversation is that it suddenly runs out of material and freezes into an ‘awkward’ silence. Hence, the participants have to keep some reserved topics on their agenda so as not to fall into silence. Given the positive results of conversation, it pays to master the art of conversation.
Obstacle Talk
First, we will examine the factors and situations that act as obstacles to effectively starting or executing the conversation activity. Loren Ekroth (hodu.com) has listed five common conversation brakes among many others that prevent the conversation from running smoothly. These buffers result from one’s initial doubts and impressions of the other person in terms of the latter’s responsiveness or perceived likelihood of friendly response, their perceived match with the person wishing to initiate the conversation, and so on. A conversation is likely to start only when one person likes the other immediately after the initial temporary evaluation. The initial evaluation of one by the other is inadvertently based on tidy dress, facial features, fragrance, voice, accent, etc. from the last batch. After the conversation starts too, you may encounter obstacles. The obstacles identified by Loren Ekroth are the following.
Short answers
An active person, usually interested in other people and friendship, may start an argument, but expect the other to encourage it and carry it forward. A person with relatively less initiative should take responsibility for keeping the conversation going, giving thoughtful responses, and showing an interest in honest answers and asking a few more questions. Short answers like “yes” or “no” or “I don’t know” won’t make it any easier to continue the conversation. Sometimes short answers can be taken as abrupt and hostile, and in such situations, the person who started the discussion can end and walk out of the conversation, which is a lost opportunity for relationship, information exchange, and pastime.
tendency to argue
People differ in ideas about politics, communities, movie heroes, crime, and approach to nation development, etc. It is not possible to find nice people every time. If you are not mature enough to be objective, you can argue by giving examples and various anecdotes to support your argument. The discussion usually carries with it emotions, resentment and derogatory connotations. Unless one enjoys arguing and the other party also does the same in a pleasant way, which is usually reflected in the smiley face, arguing damages the interface and the scope of the relationship. Therefore, arguments should be avoided at all costs. Instead, discussions can be held. The discussions focus on the facts and steer clear of emotional innuendo and are therefore very objective. Debates keep both sides in balance and in control.
reading marathon
The conversation can be enjoyable and productive only if both parties have an equal share in the contribution. But sometimes, due to individual idiosyncrasies, one may unconsciously tend to give long lectures at the mention of a topic, regardless of their depth of knowledge on that particular topic. This type of lecture will not allow the other person to do their best and will eventually lead to the perception that the person giving the lecture is an incorrigible bore and lacks a larger perspective. But, a bored speaker can be stopped in the middle and realize that he is boring and obstructing the contribution of others.
monopolizing the conversation
Another crazy thing that a conversation killer commits, similar to the one explained above, is to take control of the conversation and monopolize it. The person who monopolizes leaves little room for others to speak, which means that the other person is barely heard. Therefore, he does not have the satisfaction of having been heard. The end result of monopolized conversation is one marked by a lack of a larger perspective and a dissatisfied second party. To straighten out such conversations, the other person who feels disappointed must assertively stop the monopolizing conversationalist to help him complete her expression or help him present her point of view at certain points.
gossip
It is a mistaken belief that to start a conversation, it is permissible to comment on the activities, movements, style of dress and behaviors of others. Commenting on others, generally known as ‘gossip’, is not tolerated by many. Even the slightest bit of gossip will drive a person away from a potential conversation. One must resist the temptation to gossip. One has to be objective and have an aura of justice and respect for human dignity and evolved human culture.
Often, a person who experiences these difficulties in carrying on a conversation may be unconsciously creating them and destroying opportunities to build conversations. The above discussion can help develop awareness of these blind spots.
How to overcome obstacles to start a conversation?
Good conversations don’t happen because they never start. It is one thing to manage the conversation that has started and another to initiate it. A conversation that has been started has a better chance of being productive than one that is not started at all. The critical part is starting it on yourself, which is very difficult, especially for those who are very nervous and can’t stand rejection. Let’s discuss obstacles to starting a conversation and ways to overcome them. Scott Ginsberg (www.hodu.com) has done an analysis of the reasons not to start a conversation.
Fear of non-reciprocity
The main fear that prevents a conversation from starting is the fear of rejection, which is based on the feeling that the other person may not respond to our first word of gesture and such a lack of response can be insulting. They all feel the same way. But someone should make the first move, and if he doesn’t, it will be a wasted opportunity for everyone. Take an active role in saying ‘hello’ first and in most cases a positive response comes. Even otherwise, which can happen very rarely, what do you lose from an unresponsive person you never meet? Take it easy and comfort yourself with the feeling that the person is not mature enough to respond to a positive gesture. Keep practicing saying “hello” first until you make it a habit and feel comfortable saying it. Every contact will definitely prove to be beneficial for you. Evaluate and realize the benefits of generating each new contact. The next logical step in the analytical thinking process for starting a conversation is estimating the value of a conversation. It is the common mindset that new contacts do not make much of a difference in one’s life and therefore many remain indifferent to networking opportunities.
Underestimation of the value of the conversation.
People think there is no big payoff from starting a conversation and developing a connection. There are five reasons to start a conversation, according to Scott Ginsberg: help, learn, relate, influence and play. Some contacts can change your life. You may come across a celebrity who initially didn’t seem like an entity. There may be angels in the form of strangers. Some people can give you information about the priorities in your life. Some may belong to your environment and their experiences may be useful to you. Another important reason is that someone familiar to you is more willing to help you than someone you don’t know. The conversation introduces you to a person and thus one becomes an acquaintance. At least the conversation will be entertaining and refreshing. His monotony is broken and thus his mind engages in psychologically beneficial activity instead of remaining in disgusting silence.
Sensation of Lack of Matter
The feeling that inhibits a person from starting a conversation is that there is nothing really good to talk about with a stranger. Think of some positive points about the other person to compliment them. Compliments break the ice and the other person gets excited. But be honest and only give compliments based on facts. Insincere praise will provoke the same kind of insincerity or wise silence.
Second, share some knowledge or trivial information. The other person will see the benefit of your information and your generosity in sharing. No person will be indifferent to a person who is giving beneficial information and that person has not yet been born on this planet.
Third, ask open-ended questions like, How…? Why..? When..?. Such questions will necessarily elicit long, thoughtful answers rather than monosyllabic responses like ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ that seem offensive and unpleasant, and thus the conversation is doomed.
Lastly, actively listen and look for important phrases. Ask follow-up questions. Maintain eye contact, nod your head, and praise. Let the other person understand that you are interested in him.
conclusion
A conversation started definitely produces some value, while one not started at all is a dead loss. Starting conversations is an art that can be mastered with practice. Have the attitude that conversations have value.