I am a fashionable boy. Always has been. I am cheap AND fashionable. How is that possible? I am lucky to have a body that clothes look good on. I can often wear even cheap clothes and look good, as long as the cheap clothes fit me well. I wear clothes that look good but don’t cost an arm and a leg. This includes my underwear.

The underwear I’ve been wearing for years fits and looks good, but it’s getting old and worn. It’s time to buy new underwear. Unfortunately, the new version of my existing underwear has changed; I tried two different sizes and they both suck and look bad. Therefore, I am becoming more stylish and considering switching to expensive designer men’s underwear, boxer briefs. In a cool camo pattern.

I was thinking of buying boxer briefs from Calvin Klein. They weren’t cheap, so I wanted to make sure of fit, comfort, etc. No, you can’t go to the department store, open a pack of men’s underwear and try it on. Therefore, buying underwear is always a risk. And too often the brand you used for a decade has changed, it’s made in some country with cheap labor, it doesn’t fit you right, and it’s of much lower and unacceptable quality. Trash. And useless.

And no, I don’t wear neat underwear and haven’t since high school. And I’ve tried several brands of briefs and none fit me. I have insanely spent hundreds of dollars to no avail trying to find underwear that looks good AND fits me.

I checked out Amazon and was offered the Calvin Klein brand and style. In my size. I zoomed in on the item and it seemed to be of good quality and the reviews said they fit well and accurately. So far so good. However, I couldn’t tell from the photo if they had a side or top opening in the pouch to make urination easier. I definitely wanted that. I asked the question from the Amazon “community” and received an answer right away. “No, there is no opening in the front.” What? Without a front opening, how does a guy unzip his pants and stick his penis out to pee? Is there no opening in the front of the underwear to do that? That means a man has to unbutton, unbutton and unbutton his pants, pull down his pants, and then pull down his underwear just to pee. And, standing up, that is not convenient. Or fast. However, with the pants falling around the ankles, it’s not good for balance. The other alternative is to do all of that and sit on the toilet and urinate. Pee like a girl. Hey underwear makers, I don’t want to go through unzipping, unbuckling my belt, unzipping my pants, and pulling my underwear down just to pee! And I CERTAINLY don’t want to do all of that and then sit on the toilet and pee like a girl! When men just have to pee, real men pee standing up!

By taking away the front opening, men’s underwear designers are taking away our manhood! Men’s underwear designers are taking away our masculinity and turning us into girls! When I have to urinate, I just want to easily, quickly and safely pull my penis out through my fly and shoot out into the toilet! Standing. Like a man.

That being the case, I’m definitely not buying these Calvin Klein boxer briefs. What am I going to do for the underwear? I don’t know. Maybe go as a commando and don’t wear any underwear at all. Yuck. Or maybe I’ll try “It Depends” incontinence underwear and pee my pants.