Grief is the internal response to loss, sadness, pain, and pain that seems endless. Grief is all those things and more that are public and you share with others. The morning is healthy. Grieving without mourning brings a lot of additional pain and unnecessary suffering, which often manifests itself intensely on vacation.
The “year of firsts,” the first Christmas, Hanukkah, Thanksgiving, anniversaries, birthdays, reunions, the first thing without the loved one, are often made even worse when mourners don’t assert themselves about what they can and cannot do at any given time. of the first Here are several considerations to make it easier to honor your loved one and yourself at this important time.
1. Let your family and/or friends know what you can and cannot do. As the primary mourner, make your needs known to all concerned. If necessary, get everyone together at home well in advance of the holiday and tell them how you feel about how you want to celebrate the holiday. Discuss what can be added or removed from the usual celebration.
If the event normally takes place at your home, you may want to eat out, have someone else host it this year, or have others take on more responsibilities to take the load off your shoulders. It’s okay to say no, and as your complaint changes over time, you may be able to take over previous responsibilities or make additional changes.
2. You don’t have to do it the way it’s always been done. Traditions can change, even if they are many years old. You can even start a new tradition. Whatever you feel will be the hardest part of the holiday for you can be changed, held at a different time, or left out for this year. Do what you feel will reduce unnecessary stress and sadness. Anything left out one year can always be made up the next. Let your faith be your guide and use it for the strength it provides.
3. There is nothing wrong with reducing the time you spend at events. Regardless of what others in your family are doing, before each party or celebration let everyone involved know what your level of involvement will be. Only you know what your energy level is and what your resources can handle without undue strain. Feel free to say that you will be leaving early, skipping one or more aspects of the celebration, leaving or arriving late to the event.
4. Be sure to symbolically honor your deceased loved one. Get in the habit of acknowledging the memory of your loved one at any important family event. Light a candle, raise a toast, display a photo or photo album, eat the deceased’s favorite dessert or food, say a prayer, display or give something you’ve created, place a flower in a special spot on the table, or leave a space at the table empty (have everyone sit in different places). And, it’s okay if the tears flow. It’s normal, normal, normal.
Forget perfect. The ideal or perfect holiday celebration rarely exists. Don’t risk anticipating perfection. At the same time, don’t let your anticipation tell you that the entire scene will be a major source of distress. Manage your anticipation diligently. Keep things simple and focus on your loved one’s values, beliefs, joy and wisdom. Give yourself a gift from your loved one and remember that laughter and smiles are still important parts of life.
Finally, here are nine statements to help you develop a plan for the holidays and celebrations. Advanced planning is essential. Fill in each open space. Write everything you need.
my vacation plan
1. I think the hardest part of the next vacation will be: ___________________.
2. I think the most difficult people for me will be: _____________________.
3. The most comforting thought about the upcoming vacation is: ______________________.
4. The people I think will help me the most are: ________________________.
5. The words I really need to hear this holiday season are: ________________________.
6. I will celebrate the memory of my loved one on this holiday by: _________________.
7. I will tell my family/friends what I can and cannot do this vacation to: __________.
8. I will rearrange my participation in the festivities to: __________________________.
9. To carry out my plan, the first thing I will do is: _______________________.
Share your plan, if and when appropriate. With everyone’s help and cooperation, you and all of your family and friends can get through the special days and celebrate a life lived.