A man who has friends must be friendly himself, but there is a friend closer than a brother (Proverbs 18:24 NKJ)

A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity. (Proverbs 17:17 NKJ)

Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their work. Because if they fall, you will lift your partner. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, because he has no one to help him get up! Once again, if two lie down together, they will warm up; But how can one warm up alone? Although one can be dominated by another, two can resist it. And a triple rope doesn’t break quickly. (Ecclesiastes 4: 9-12 NKJ)

Twists and turns

Friendship is a strange and wonderful thing, subject to more twists and turns than a roller coaster. In fact, it’s as exhilarating as any ride a theme park can offer or as relaxing as a day at a spa. It can encompass anything from a simple acquaintance to a deep and lasting relationship. An acquaintance, however, is a casual relationship that does not require commitment from oneself and does not fall in the true sense of friendship. True friendship, however; it requires the will to give your life, the will to give more than you take.

Today we are going to focus on the deeper aspects and responsibilities that build the framework for a lasting friendship pact. Elastic as in nature, true friendship has the ability to expand and spread around anything that comes its way (my definition). Time can never be an enemy and it works as an ingredient to deepen the relationship.

Qualities of a friend

You can ask what qualities make a potential relationship meet the criteria for mutual trust and affection. I present this; there must be a basic need and understanding of one’s lack of skills to manage and accomplish every detail and aspect of one’s life without the participation of others.

Understanding your own need eliminates the enemy of friendship; pride. Pride is summed up in two words, self-exaltation and selfishness. The removal of pride allows the development of another key ingredient; modesty.

True humility comes from the awareness of one’s own lack of superiority and the recognition of apparent weaknesses, leading to submission of oneself in the service of others without judgment (my definition). The habit of sacrificing your life develops an inner sense, resulting in the ability to listen and hear on a deeper level. This produces the wisdom to appreciate and extract the gifts and qualities that reside in others.

Friends are treasure hunters

Gifts often reside in others hidden by many situational layers and often cloud your own perspective on who and what they may be. They need a friend, a friend who loves at all times and who takes the time to see beyond the appearance of doubt, longing … the need to be important to someone.

In this case, it is the understanding and knowledge of a true friend who has the ability to bring the best to the surface: a friend who realizes that spoken words are not always necessary. By giving their unconditional love, they produce a place of quiet acceptance where thoughts once hidden by circumstance and self-doubts can float to the surface without fear of condemnation or the avalanche of lectures. If we really understand, we will not emulate Job’s friends. Instead we will imitate Jesus who wears the heavy yoke that does not condemn. He loves at all times and so do we. Friends should be treasure hunters first and foremost.

Pride has no place

When it comes to friendship, pride has no place, it does not matter. It doesn’t matter where the solution comes from; only that it comes, showing God’s infinite wisdom and our subjection to him.

The removal of pride and embracing humility are wonderful things, but they require another partner; sacrifice. Sacrifice is the willingness to give up personal needs, wants, and desires to satisfy the immediate need of another. Sacrifice is more than an attitude. It is a way of life that harbors the truth and believes that a friend’s intrinsic worth is of greater importance than one’s comfort or agenda. Through the sacrificial giving of one’s life, a crucial element of friendship is formed: trust.

Trust understands the code of silence

Trust is a conviction and belief in the uncompromising trustworthiness of another person born of positive experiences, which leads to openness and trust in each other. True friendship requires a higher confidential ethic than that of a lawyer or a doctor. It requires the code of silence. Everyone needs a safe harbor and the sin of betrayal has wrecked many souls.

All of this seems to be fine and fine until we look at the fallen nature of man, knowing that perfection does not exist. This is where one of the most vital ingredients of friendship comes into play; forgiveness. Understanding that we have all sinned and fallen short of the glory of God opens the way for a culture of true forgiveness among true friends. Judge no less than you will be judged.

Born for adversity

According to the Word, a friend, a brother in Christ, is born for adversity. What is adversity anyway? It is hardship, difficulty, danger; Unfavorable experiences and yes, even great suffering, just to mention a few. We often judge in times of adversity. I have seen many judge those they know who get sick, have financial problems, etc., as if they were in sin. Nothing is that simple. I am not saying that sin does not have consequences that sometimes lead to adversity. However, I am saying, “Be careful.” The scriptures say that we are born to bear the burdens of others and we are called to restore them in a spirit of meekness. We must do this with our own vulnerability to temptation in mind (Galatians 6: 1).

Confidence pants

Sometimes a serious breach or breach of trust can take place within a friendship leaving wounded hearts in the wake. Ideally, this would not be the case, but we must face the fact that we are imperfect people. Although we try to walk righteously according to the Word, sometimes we fail and must offer the same forgiveness that is given to us. Regardless of how, what, or why we fail, sometimes trust is broken and needs to be repaired. The only remedy is time and humility demonstrated through consistent acts that prove otherwise. We can often go on loving while trusting again is an entirely different ball game.

We will be less inclined to be bitter or angry when trust is broken when we understand that friendship is not perfect, hence the roller coaster, because we are not perfect. If someone has violated our friendship, we must be very careful not to judge. The shoe could be on the other foot sooner than we think.

The power of offense and forgiveness

Friendship is emotional and this component cannot be denied. It is a two-sided coin, consisting of positive and negative aspects resulting from the composition of any given moment or day. Emotions fluctuate but the truth does not. We are given a choice when our emotions tell us one thing and the truth tells us another. We have the opportunity to choose which one we will serve.

In other words, we are subject to offense at any time. This is where the rubber meets the road, revealing the core of our relationship with the Lord. The Bible teaches us that if we love his law, we will not be easily offended. Here, loving the God who loves the Word is the key to loving others … even our friends.

The first thought we should have should not be the inspection of another, but the introspection of our own hearts. Given the tendency of close friendships to be like sharp iron, occasions arise that provide opportunities for offense.

The offenses generally arise from unfulfilled expectations and one’s own pride or, say, selfishness. This produces a heart hardened to the marrow and damages what is more valuable than gold; a friend. Once again comes the need to practice the key element of all relationships; forgiveness. Oh how much easier it would be not to judge in the first place … not to reject … not to betray because of our own self-centered ways of being and doing. How much easier it would be if we did not demand of others more than we are willing to give.

The principal ingredient

As we discussed earlier, forgiveness is the main ingredient and the very foundation of the Cross and what Jesus died for. Forgiveness produces the elastic nature of friendship and has the ability to envelop whatever life throws at it. And this includes the manifest weaknesses of our friends or those we love.

The very nature of forgiveness brings about the destruction of pride, creating a humble heart capable of the sacrifice necessary to maintain a lasting covenant relationship. May we walk in accordance with the words that Jesus said about himself; I did not come to condemn the world, but to forgive them (cf. John 3:17).

The moment has come

The time has come to step up and evaluate ourselves and our commitment to friendship and relationships as it pertains to God’s Word. Are we reaping what we are sewing? We need to look around our lives and see what the answer might be.

With all this in mind and in light of all that we have discussed, whose life has been extended with the will to lay down their own life in unconditional love and surrender.

Things to contemplate

  • Have you violated trust with a friend or someone you love in any way, and if so, have you done what it takes to correct it?
  • Are you offended with a friend for some reason? If so, take the time to release the offense and make way for humility in your own heart.
  • How can you personally help provoke your friends to do good works in a practical and real way?
  • Define forgiveness, trust, humility, and sacrifice in your own words.
  • Examine your friendships. Do you give more than you receive? Do you always need credit for successes, or do you rush at the first sign of failure?
  • Do you often rely on your own abilities to solve problems in your life, or do you value the sharp iron aspect that takes place in true friendship?
  • Are you one of those who operate in a “code of silence” when it comes to the confidentiality of a friend?
  • What do you need to do most to walk in relationship with your loved ones with a humble and selfless heart?