When our children misbehave or misbehave, there is a reason. It can be any number of things. One is purely for attention and the other common reason is to gain control and power. As human beings, we all want to feel like we have some control over our lives, and if we don’t, we’ll find a way to get it. People of all ages have the same basic needs. So how can we give kids control without getting walked all over us?
When I was studying the STEP (Systematic Training for Effective Parenting) program in the mid-1980s, I was introduced to the notion of offering children choices. It was new to me as I don’t remember anyone offering me a choice when I was growing up and I don’t remember learning about options when I was studying early childhood education. However, we learned many ways to be firm but kind to children.
What do I mean by offering a child a choice and why is it so powerful? When they are very young, say two or three years old, we can show them two plastic cups; one blue and one green and ask, “Do you want the blue or the green?” Or you can say, “Do you want to sit in this chair or in that chair?” or “Do you want to wear your green pajamas or your blue pajamas?” It makes them feel like they have some power and control and are therefore less likely to gain it inappropriately. It also tells them that their likes and dislikes are important to you. Also, children who are given choices learn to start thinking for themselves. They become less dependent on other people to make decisions for them.
As children get older, we may begin to offer them more than two options, keeping in mind that all options you present must be acceptable to you. You can say, “Here are some options for lunch: vegetable soup, peanut butter sandwich, or grilled cheese sandwich.” Or you could say, “Do you want to play a game tonight? We could play this, this, or this. Pick one.” If you’re having trouble getting your child to do something, you can say, “I need you to remove your plate. Do you want to put it on the counter or in the dishwasher?”
As children approach midlife and adolescence, you can continue to use options. You can say, “I’d like your homework to be done by 8:00 pm. Do you want to do it at the kitchen table or in your bedroom?” Or you could say, “I need help in the kitchen. Would you like to empty the dishwasher, sweep the floor, or fill the dishwasher?” Offering a choice significantly reduces arguments about chores that need to be done around the house.
One of the problems that parents can find with options is that their children don’t want any of the options that you offer them. If that’s the case, the next option is: “Do you want to choose or would you like me to choose?” Most of the time, children will make a decision and that will be the end of it.
With this simple tool you will find that you can eliminate many power struggles and arguments. Children are just as human as the rest of us, and they need to feel that they have some control over their lives. We want to give it to them appropriately so they don’t try to get it inappropriately.