“What am I supposed to do now? How am I supposed to act? Men can’t do anything anymore.”
This shared frustration is common (and understandable) among men in the wake of the #MeToo movement. As women continue to come forward with stories of sexual harassment and assault, men are beginning to see that behavior they thought was normal was actually causing harm. It’s one thing to report inappropriate behavior, but once we become aware of a problem, how do we move forward? How do we heal the past and create a new and healthy way of relating?
Tantra offers related tools that help heal old traumas and teach what healthy behavior looks like. We wanted to get a tantric man’s perspective on the #MeToo movement, to see how men are affected and how Tantra can help navigate this new world. We spoke with Bob, a long-time Tantra student and practitioner, to get a perspective on the masculine side of #MeToo.
Q: We’d love to hear about your own experiences and how you see the state of masculinity in this #MeToo era. What has emerged for you from these media reports, both in your own life and in the broader context?
A: I am now 68 years old and live in a state of compassion and respect for the boundaries of women. This, unfortunately, was not always true. At 38, those weren’t concepts she knew at all. When I was younger I did things I shouldn’t have done, things I would never do today. I pushed my sexuality onto women. If I could get past “no,” I did. And looking back, I’m like, “Oh my gosh, graceful.” I just wouldn’t do that today.
Through tantric practice I saw how inappropriate my old behavior was and how to move on. Today I counsel people on what good and bad behavior looks like. There are tantric practices that teach people what consent is, how to ask for what they want, and how to listen to “no” without pressing or needing an explanation as to why not. That is a really difficult practice; hearing “no” without knowing why. But that’s what men need to do to start healing their relationship with women.
Q: What do you see about how men are receiving the #MeToo movement?
A: I’m noticing that a lot of the guys don’t get it. They can understand it theoretically or philosophically. But individually, personally, it’s a tough sell. I just had a conversation with some of my fishing friends. We were talking about #MeToo and consent, permission, et cetera. Two of the guys wondered why they couldn’t compliment a woman at work on what she was wearing. They believed that she was dressing to look good to them, to look good to men on the outside, rather than just to look good for herself.
I tried to compare a woman who dresses up at work with them wearing a nice suit. I said, “When you wear a nice suit, you think, ‘Oh, I feel good in this today. I’m not going to wear it to get compliments from anyone in particular.'” But they could not understand the connection. They couldn’t see that simply saying something could be wrong or cause trouble.
And that problem is so frequent, that’s the main one. When it comes to them personally, as men, standing in front of this human being who is a woman, they just can’t see the connection. This is where denial and anger come from. They feel personally attacked and say: “A man can’t do anything anymore!” They assume that a woman is doing certain things to attract a man, instead of just feeling good about herself. When confronted that this belief might be wrong, they become angry and defensive.
Q: How do you see men getting over this? How can Tantra help?
A: To begin with, it will take a lot of awareness and compassionate listening. Instead of men being reactive and saying, “I can’t do anything anymore!” instead, they need to start understanding where women come from. I know from personal experience that this process takes time and a lot of internal research. I compare it to playing soccer. There is a lot of pain and a lot of agony, but you keep coming back day after day. You don’t express it in terms of pain and agony, but you look at the goal and the teamwork. And you let that goal override the negatives. That is what it will take, because the old paradigm is changing and we need to work together to create the new one.
And, in reality, women are not going to be able to change it. It will be necessary for men to change it for men. Guys like me will need to talk to my fishing friends. It does not come from our political, ecclesiastical or spiritual leader. “You know, gentlemen, we have to clean ourselves up.”