When I was young I was taught that crying was not good. After all, the message was that if you cry too much, “you’re going to get sick.” Crying, especially in public, was definitely bad news. Ultimately, crying, even in grief, was considered a sign of weakness. If you were going to cry, do it in private.
Over the years, this and many other natural ways of showing emotion have been stifled by many of the celebrities who always strike a stoic pose when appearing on camera. (I always remember the death of President Kennedy and the way Jackie showed little emotion during the funeral and on TV.)
Many additional beliefs about expressing emotion were undermined for years, as Western culture had embraced the “rugged individualism” view of dealing with life in all its manifestations. Expressing emotions was out and being strong was definitely in. Keeping the emotion inside is currently the cultural norm.
However, psychology and the social sciences have shown time and time again the importance of expressing, in some way, what happens inside; it can actually save your life. If you have been trained by the authority figures in your life to suppress your feelings or if you cannot cry (closely related to unconscious beliefs instilled early in life) when you are expected to, consider the following.
1. We are made to vocalize feelings and tell our stories. This is an inherent and normal human response. Its purpose is to relieve the stress of trauma and massive change that occurs in every lifetime. There is a basic human need to externalize the pressure and pain that develops inside.
2. What is the alternative when we bottle up the anxiety, anger, fear, guilt or pain that a great loss creates? The physical self pays a very high price to accomplish this task. Stress hormones go into overdrive and every cell in the body is affected. I repeat, every cell in the body is highly stressed. Energy reserves are depleted.
3. A more perverse result of feeling stuffing is that our unconscious and our memory banks keep them alive forever in full force. Consequently, we are easily plunged into deep pain throughout life when something we see in a movie or on a television show or read in the newspaper hints at terrible feelings and memories with which we never lived. we face.
So what can you do? The obvious answer is to find a way to tell your story of pain and disappointment. If you don’t have a best friend who is a good long-term listener (a resource we all need to develop), find a counselor, a member of the clergy, or a support group. You can also express feelings through writing, drawing, painting, or sculpture. Draw near to God to unload your load. You may need multiple routes of release.
Give in to the natural inclination to share the pain of loss. There is nothing weak in doing it. It’s not just very therapeutic, but it will allow you to better understand your loss and how to cope (verbalizing our feelings often leads to new interpretations and thoughts). When appropriate, ask your good listener for valuable feedback.
Do your best to change the pattern of how you deal with loss and change, and encourage your children to be open with you about their feelings. See the process as seeking wisdom and making wise decisions. Let periodic expression, where you plumb the deepest depths of your feelings, become part of your long-term healing process. We all need the caring and sense of community that comes naturally from sharing feelings.