It’s a fact of life that ugly guys don’t end up with hot women, despite what propaganda movies like Shrek, Groundhog Day, and Jaws II have tried to teach us.
That is, unless you make a living playing in a band, it doesn’t even have to be a credible band to be enough for a country band. So join us as we count down the 10 ugliest musicians and beautiful women.
Number 10 – Gene Simmons (Bassist – Kiss)
This “guy with the big tongue” who plays bass, womanizer, and spits fire claims to have slept with over 1000 women. We honestly don’t understand how this aging overweight rocker, who hasn’t put on a good record since 1974, stays with his longtime girlfriend (and former Playboy playmate) Shannon Tweed, all the while getting away with it all. every single woman he chooses (including an Austrian supermodel, famous in Gene Simmons’ sex tape). Also, look at her hair … she is 58 years old … how is she NOT a wig ???
Number 09 – Billy Joel (Solo)
The original “pianist”. In the early days it was almost visible, but unfortunately the years do bad things to people and poor Billy has not aged well. These days, he’s more like a golf ball sitting on rough terrain 5 yards from the green, but not his girlfriend, supermodel Christie Brinkley, or other rumored rumors like Elle Macpherson and Dina Meyer.
Number 08 – Kid Rock (Redneck Rap Rocker)
An embarrassment to all musical genres that it transcends. The rambunctious country rap-rock “artist” has always been wreaking havoc in public while churning out terrible records. However, with a dating history from women like Jamie Presley, Sheryl Crow, and most famously an engagement to Pamela Anderson, it makes me want to grow a goatee and strum a banjo.
Number 07 – Vince Neil (Vocalist – Motley Crue)
Vince Neil is probably eating pizza, drinking beer, and watching porn as we talk. He’s the biggest bum in rock music. The less talented member of Motley has been singing for them since 1981, and although he sold over 80 million albums, he has also dated Shannon Doherty, Tori Spelling, and was even married to model Heidi Mark for a short time. Not bad for a man who looks like an overweight bearded woman.
Number 06 – Pete Doherty (Vocalist – Babyshambles)
A walking and talking cocktail of drugs. The only man in the history of science partially made of cocaine. Perhaps it is that amazing feat that Kate Moss found so attractive?
Number 05 – Adam Duritz (Vocalist – Counting Crowes)
It’s no secret that Counting Crows is the worst band in music history. Unfortunately for Adam, he also wins the prestigious award for worst hair and worst beard. Although, despite being successful in growing a gerbil on his chin, he has still managed to woo the likes of Christina Applegate, Jennifer Aniston, Courtney Cox and David Schwimmer. PS: one of these is not true.
Issue 04 – Steven Tyler (Vocalist – Aerosmith)
Nicknamed “The Demon of Screamin ‘,” Aerosmith frontman and’ 80s rock icon Steve Tyler is probably most famous for flaunting lips that wouldn’t look out of place 10,000 feet under the sea. He may even have written ‘Dude (looks like a lady)’ about his own addiction to plastic surgery! However, this does not seem to alienate women: After ending his 17-year marriage, he rushed to bed with Tara Reid, 28 years his junior.
Number 03 – Marilyn Manson (Vocalist – Marilyn Manson)
The self-confessed “Antichrist Superstar” is the strangest-looking man in rock. Maybe he goes with the whole “bible burning” thing that he does to look like a part of Dracula / a part of Krusty the clown, but what Evan Rachel-Wood, Rose McGowan, Jenna Jameson and Dita Von Teese see in him .. . who knows. ..?
Issue 02 – Ric Ocasek (Singer / Guitarist – The Cars)
Now we’re getting into the REAL ugly ones. To think that there really is someone in the world more UGLY than Ric is terrifying, surely his Czech supermodel wife Paulina Porizkova must a) have a fetish for the human walrus or b) lack vision.
Number 01 – Lyle Lovett (Country Music Singer / Songwriter)
Lyle Lovett is an institution. It gives hope to even the most horrible men on the planet. The 50-year-old Texan who makes a living singing country music was born looking most unlucky, but in 1993 he married Julia Roberts. Yes, it’s true … He married Julia Roberts. Unfortunately, the couple separated in 1995, but the damage had already been done. Lyle Lovett, you are a king among men.