Are stress and anxiety necessary ingredients in the life of an expat? I guess many expats from around the world would answer yes; Especially the stress part. I disagree, and I’ll tell you why below. I believe that stressors are unavoidable in our expat lives, but that stress and anxiety can be significantly reduced. I have linked the two words together because I find they are often used interchangeably. “I’m stressed about my new job. My daughter can’t wait to go to her new school.” First, I would like to separate these two concepts and identify the differences between them.
What is stress?
This is perhaps one of the most overused words in the English language at this particular time. Stress is actually a physiological response to a perceived threat. We haven’t really come a long way as a species since the days of the caveman. At that time, if a cave dweller met a lion in the forest, his whole body would prepare him to flee or fight. His muscles would tense, hormones like adrenaline would be released in his body, his heart rate and blood pressure would rise, and his breathing would become shallow and rapid. This ‘fight or flight’ response served him well. She helped him mobilize to fight the tiger or run from it, during which time the tension that had built up in his body would be released. As soon as he was out of danger, assuming he survived, his body would return to homeostasis, to his normal state.
This is exactly what still happens to us when we perceive a threat to our well-being. Except that, guess what? Our threats now rarely refer to physical danger, so there is no way to unleash the accelerated flight or fight response in the body. Now, our threats are mostly emotional or psychological. We feel threatened if we have a fight with our boss and we think we might get fired. Or if our son is not adjusting well to his new school, the perceived danger is that he will never be able to adjust to new life situations. These threats exist in the mind, not in the physical world, but the body doesn’t know the difference. Then the body speeds up its activity preparing for flight or fight, but it is not possible to break free as there is nothing physical to do. Stress is the accumulation of this physical tension.
How to manage stress:
You can try this for yourself. The next time you notice that you are ‘stressed out’, notice what your shoulder muscles are doing and notice how shallow your breathing has become. As an antidote, you can slow down your body by taking deep breaths or speed it up to release tension. To slow down the body, try to take about 10 breaths. We can focus our attention on the belly and notice how with each inhalation the belly expands and with the exhalation it contracts. It really doesn’t take more than 10 of these full breaths for the body to return to its normal state. Another effective technique is to lie down or sit up holding a pillow against your chest. Inhale deeply, squeeze the pillow as hard as you can for a count of four, and release. Try to do this 10 times. Or, you can make a physical effort to rev up your body and release pent-up tension, while also occupying your mind with something other than the object of your stress. For example, you might try running up and down the stairs 20 times, while counting backwards from 100 by threes; 100, 97, 94, etc. go for a run, or do anything else that uses up energy, while focusing your mind on counting. Try these techniques; they are easy to do and they really work. When we don’t release this pent-up energy, our bodies can remain in a state of perpetual stress.
This leads us to anxiety:
Anxiety is often referred to as “free floating.” There are so many potentially stressful situations in our lives as expats, and the time period between them is often so short, that at any given moment we may not even know what is causing us stress. When this happens, we may experience floating anxiety. So the difference between stress and anxiety is this: when we experience stress and catch it early enough, we can usually identify the trigger. When we feel anxious, there is usually no trigger that we can identify. We just know that we are worried, uncomfortable, and troubled by our thoughts.
What to do with anxiety:
The trick to dealing with anxiety is to become aware of the thoughts that worry us. It is one of the best kept secrets in the world that it is not the external situation that is causing us difficulties; it is what we tell ourselves about the situation that is the problem.
I’ll use the example of my daughter not studying for her college exams, as that’s what I’m worried about right now. I see that she spends a lot of time on Facebook instead of studying. I tell her something about this and we get into an argument that causes her to leave the room. I’m left with an underlying feeling of unease and I’m not sure why. So I pay attention to what I’ve been thinking and see that I’m thinking that she won’t graduate from college, that she’ll never get a good job or be financially independent, and that her options in life will be limited. And more I am thinking that this is because I am a lousy mother and I have not instilled in him the proper study habits.
So what can I do? I just have to notice the thoughts I’m having, without judging them, and then ask myself what is really true about this situation. What is the simple unvarnished naked truth at the time? What is really true is that I don’t know what his life will be like in the future, and I certainly don’t know what his life will be like in relation to this particular exam.
Hanging out in the unknown:
It turns out that this is the hardest place to be; For all of us. Although we cannot contemplate the future, it seems that we are programmed to hate not knowing. I would rather assume (until I am examined) that my daughter will have a difficult time in life, than admit that I simply don’t know and cannot know what her life will be like in the future. And sure, you can say, but actions have consequences and lead to results. And while this is true, there are so many circumstances in between that one can never really know what will happen in the future. We can’t know anything. So we make up stories in our minds that create fear and anxiety instead of being willing to be in the unknown. We do this, I think, because admitting that we don’t know requires a certain kind of abandonment that is terrifying until we get used to it.
Letting go does not mean not acting:
I am not suggesting by this that we do not take action. I can’t get into bed, turn up the electric blanket and do nothing else. (Although sometimes I would like to.) I have to take the action that I feel is necessary in the moment. So I go into my daughter’s room and talk to her using the Compassionate Communication model. This involves me looking at what just happened, my feelings and needs, and then making a request, starting with “would you be willing to…?” I tell her that when I see her on Facebook instead of studying for an upcoming exam (observation) I feel worried, because I need harmony and peace in our house. I ask her, “Would you be willing to spend an hour a night on Facebook between 9 and 10 pm, after I’m done studying?” She says no, she’d like to be on Facebook when she first gets home. time to relax.” , but she agrees to do it for only one hour. I have taken what I think is the right action and I feel much lighter and relieved.
Stress and anxiety in the life of an expat:
What I have discussed so far applies to people everywhere. So how do stress and anxiety differ in the life of an expat? On the one hand, documented research has shown that major life transitions, such as the death of a spouse, divorce, a geographic move, a new job, and a new school for the children, create the greatest stress in a person’s life. a person. For many people, these major stressors occur a few times in their entire lives. For expats, moving and changing jobs can happen every 3-4 years! Therefore, it becomes imperative that we learn tools to manage stress.
We need to be particularly sensitive to what our body is telling us in terms of muscle tension, shallow breathing, or “quick” energy, so that we can stop and at least take a deep breath to relieve tension. Otherwise, the pent-up stress can begin to take its toll in ways such as high blood pressure, overeating, or alcohol or drug abuse.
Floating anxiety tends to arise in situations where there are many unknown factors, because remember, the mind hates not knowing. For expats, there are often many unknowns in our lives, especially when contemplating moving. We don’t know what our new home will be like, if we will make friends, or if our children will adjust to their new schools. In the absence of hard data, our minds go in and create worst-case scenarios, then act as if these scenarios have already happened, and the mind is on. We need to be attentive to observe our thoughts and continually ask ourselves what is true in this situation. If you find yourself in a state of perpetual stress and anxiety, it may help to seek out a professional counselor or therapist. We cannot get rid of the stressors in our lives as expats, but we can learn self-control techniques for mind and body, thus reducing the negative impact of stress and anxiety on our lives.