“It has long been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely the most important.”
-Arthur Conan Doyle
Adjusting to new living conditions after the death of a loved one is clearly a long-term journey. The process involves believing in oneself to grow, change, and become resilient. In addition, this transition implies becoming aware of the fact that little things mean a lot for the acceptance of a different way of life without the loved one. Therefore, gaining new insights into loss and change is critical to coping well.
All of the above is not only time consuming, but often turns into a series of stressful events as we try to leave our more familiar lives behind. Here are five small actions you can take daily to help transition into accepting the unfamiliar life that has to become your new normal.
1. Reduce your time to watch TV. Many of the news programs, as well as entertainment programs, feature negative programming. A common fact of life on television news is: “if he bleeds, he leads.” Broadcasting thrives on bad news. Spending some time observing the sadness of others, whether real or fictional, will only increase the normal sadness you already feel or trigger a “pain attack.” Find a replacement for the TV. Play relaxing music from one of the music channels or choose to only watch shows that don’t increase your stress index.
2. Intentionally doing something different. For example, start your day on a positive note. Read a favorite poem, an inspiring line from a quote book, or a special prayer. Make it a habit over time. The new actions and resulting routines are integral parts of establishing a framework for adjusting to the absence of our loved ones. After a week, add another new routine in the evening. It can be a visit to a favorite place, going to a mall where you can walk, helping an elderly person, or writing a few lines in a journal. Keep working to create the new circumstances in your life just the way you want them to unfold.
3. Evaluate what you talk about, either with yourself or with friends or acquaintances. The words we speak silently or out loud have tremendous power to heal or prolong unnecessary suffering. Ask yourself if you are speaking from a victim point of view or from a determined and restorative point of view. Learn to tell your story honestly, sincerely, and carefully. We all need to tell our stories of how the death of our loved one has happened and affected us. It is part of our journey through grievance.
4. Reprogram your unconscious mind to help you adjust to the tasks of grief. This is not a difficult job because the unconscious is non-judgmental and always open to suggestion. It simply carries out the tasks you assign to it. In fact, the way you are responding right now is part of the information stored in the unconscious over the years. Program your unconscious mind with whatever you want. Imagine how you want to adapt to the changes you face. See yourself making those changes. Then reinforce your unconscious with concepts such as “I am strong, I am capable, I am determined, I am energized by love, I am worthy.”
5. Carry a pen and a small notebook to make a periodic list of the good things that happen during a given day. We tend to overlook or forget the good things that happen when we focus on our great loss. However, they tell us that we are not alone. Our Higher Power, through our friends, relatives, co-workers, and certain supposed coincidences, is always there, even when we think we are alone. Each week find a time to sit quietly and read your notes about the good things that have happened. This will help you balance the constant thoughts about the difficulty of making transitions in life. We need balance in a world that seems to lack understanding of what we are going through.
Remember that it is critical that you take action; life rewards action. Adaptation demands it. You don’t have to take giant steps. The little ones will make a big difference. Simply embrace patience, express your pain, and you will win. Coping well becomes a continuous daily routine with occasional irregularities, the so-called bad days. They will come. Kindly let them go, don’t let them alarm you, and know that they are a very normal part of the complaint process. Go back to your task of adjusting to life without the physical presence of your loved one.