There is one in every crowd. Sometimes there are a lot of mules that no matter how much you drink, you can’t drown those idiots. They do things like they own the sports bar. Yelling at the big screen, stomping on the ground when they don’t like a call, yelling play-by-play on your iPhone, and generally being dumb.
They are the villains from the comic book series “Sports Bar Superheroes, Issue 6.”
Game rules
Are you the idiot we’re talking about? Let’s jump to the playbook and lay down some rules to avoid becoming a puckered hole when visiting the sanctuary known as a sports bar.
• Rule 1: Jackassery does things right.
Having your stylist shave your team logo on your head does not show loyalty to the players. It simply means that you live in a classless cage. The same goes for painting your face. Save it for the stadium when there’s a good chance a teevee camera will show your silly mug to the planet. Keep your firearms at home, it will gouge the eye. Obscenities. Bad. Children could be there with their parents. Mom and Dad are more likely to spill their drink in your general direction if they hear you use the biblical term for “fudge.”
• Rule 2: Celebrate in style.
Too many highs and lows to the chest are for sissies. That doesn’t mean you can’t go a little crazy when your team wins. But the loud “hoo-ha” every minute is more likely to elbow you in the stomach by someone bigger than you who has had enough of your shit. And “raise the roof” is so 90’s.
• Rule 3: Never use ESPN as a source for quotes.
Here are some of the worst quotes on the net:
or “He tried to put on 25 pounds of muscle. It looks like 25 pounds from Molson.” – Pat Quinn, on hockey player Dan Gratton
or “You know the old saying, ‘no man is an island.’ Well, Stanley is coming.” – Pat Williams on Magic center Stanley Roberts
Avoid anything that comes from the mouth of an ESPN commentator. Even stupid nicknames that originated before they hooked up their first camera, like “Charlie Hustle”, “The Great One” or “Sweetness. Never name a boy Chris Berman”.
• Rule 4: Only losers cheer on their own.
In fact, sitting in the stands, go ahead. Rejoice everyone for your little loner. But in a sports bar … man, don’t you have pride?
• Rule 5: Jerseys – not the state, the clothing.
Why, in the name of God, would you ever wear a shirt with someone else’s name and number on it? Move on to something more sophisticated. Get a team jersey. There is nothing wrong with wearing one of those. Wearing a Peyton Manning Colts jersey is fun and the jokes are yours.
• Rule 6: The referee cannot hear you, so stop talking loudly.
Best Practice: Set a limit on your boos. Four times one game is enough. Also try to direct it towards your friends with a civilized voice. That way, you can determine who the defenders really are and not the opponents. Big no-no: Too many complaints during the last two minutes of the game means you have to order a milk and leave the beer.
• Rule 7: Keep your fantasy team members out of the conversation.
We do not know them; They’re not at the sports bar with you and basically who gives a fuck about your dream world. Likewise, no one is going to buy you a wing plate because you just lost your BMW to your bookie.
• Rule 8: eat, drink and be careful with excesses.
At the sports bar, you are surrounded by people who like what you like, no matter what team you are supporting. Eat a plate of grilled rib eye, some ice cold beer, and don’t become Doctor Doom from the Fantastic Four comics. Although DD saved Captain America from drowning. No Doom for you.