Often we really want to believe that we love our spouse for who they are. We love his personality, his integrity, or the way he makes us laugh. But if we’re honest, most of us would have to admit that one of the first things that attracted us to our spouse was the way they looked. Sure, most of us don’t dwell on someone who looks like a model or movie star. But, very few people end up married to someone they don’t find attractive. Your spouse may not look like the person you imagined when they were much younger (at least not mine), but most of us love the way our spouse looks. So what happens when those looks change? And should you feel guilty if this matters to you?
A wife might sheepishly explain, “I feel like such a shallow idiot. But lately, I’ve been really bothered by my husband’s appearance. And none of it is his fault. He’s had to take medication for a medical condition. And this it’s made you gain weight. And it gives you a bloated appearance. The great irony of this is that I’m not a great beauty myself. I used to be very insecure because I thought people always thought we didn’t match. My husband was so handsome and I was normal looking. Because of this, I felt like I had this big catch. I felt very lucky. And now my husband is not so handsome anymore. Don’t get me wrong. He is not ugly or unattractive. In fact, now we’re probably much more evenly matched, which I would think would make me feel more comfortable. But no, I’m worried. I find myself buying clothes that will make my husband look more attractive. When I gave him some of these clothes, he asked if something was wrong in his old clothes, and he looked hurt.. The question It’s just that I’m not normally someone who cares much about appearance. I’m certainly not worried about mine. And a person’s personality and integrity are usually much more important to me. I am so disappointed in myself for being so shallow. Why is his appearance so important to me? And how can I stop this?
I think you’re being too hard on yourself. In fact, I get a lot of mail from people who are considering separating or divorcing simply because they are no longer attracted to their spouse. You’re not even getting close to that. You just notice a change. And although it bothers you, you don’t seem motivated to act on it.
It is part of human nature to be attracted to things (and people) that we find attractive. So when that attraction wanes or changes, it’s natural to wonder what this means for our marriage. It is also a fact of life that neither of us will look like when our spouse first met us. Everyone gets old. Each one changes. Some of us age better than others. But we expect our spouse to see what is inside us as well as what is outside.
I can only tell you my opinion. My take on this has always been that it’s okay to expect your spouse to make an effort. I think we should all present the best of ourselves to the world. I exercise to stay in shape and take care of my appearance to the best of my ability based on what is realistic given what I have to work with. I hope my partner does the same. At the same time, I will never look like Angelina Jolie. I am a woman of a certain age and it is unrealistic to expect me to look like anything other than that. I draw the line of injecting things into my face and having unrealistic expectations. There are things you just can’t avoid. And I think, at least for me, that’s really the difference. If there are things about your appearance that your spouse can’t help, then there’s really nothing good that can come from trying to change that or having that unfortunate fact work against you.
A change in appearance due to medication is quite different from a change due to a love of donuts or an aversion to exercise. I think it’s okay to do the best you can with what you’ve got, and that’s probably why you turned to new clothes.
As for why this matters so much to you, I think part of it is the perception that you got the better end of the deal because you saw your husband so handsome, whereas you felt like you were more average. (You may have been underestimating yourself.) And you can also think that his appearance is a reflection of you and your own worth. But you probably know that for most people, attraction tends to change over time. Physical attraction is only part of it. You are attracted to the inner person, who you know better than anyone. You appreciate your history and how much you’ve been through together. You appreciate the support and understanding your spouse has given you.
For me, these things are much more important than what you see on the outside. You already know that this or this change would not bother or confuse you so much. Perhaps as her husband gets more used to the medication, the changes will lessen. But in the meantime, I think it will help if you focus on the inside, on the support, and on those things that haven’t changed, maybe his smile, his hands, his broad shoulders. I suspect that not everything has changed. And I also suspect that it will improve. This is new. And an illness brings stress. There’s nothing wrong with trying to maximize what you have to work with, but at the same time, you don’t want to hurt your husband, who is already going through a tough time. It’s better to know that you’re a loving, close couple than a couple that looks great but doesn’t have that connection.