It’s 2 am. It’s dark outside. I look at my watch and suddenly realize that there are literally hundreds and thousands of people who get drunk on cheap alcohol and generally have a much better time than I do. I rub my eyes, sigh, shake my head, and move on. Not because I’m better than them. And not because he’s a sad, locked-in loser either (though that’s debatable). You see, I don’t need the usual distractions: alcohol, fun, women, daylight, other people, normal human society, it all fades away. in the dark. I don’t worry about these things. Why? Because I’ve stumbled upon the ancient art of dwarf tossing!
Maybe it’s a sign of the times. Maybe I’ve finally gone crazy. I’ve been staring at the flying dwarfs all night. There’s a story to this – you may have seen our recent ‘The A-Team – Then and Now’ article. If you haven’t, you better drag your useless ass up there. After putting that particular masterpiece online, I read and a particular phrase caught my eye: “Mr. T is the winner of the toughest gorilla contest in the world. One of the events in the competition was the dwarf toss. (since it was banned) “. ?! It sounds amazing! I just had to find out more !!
The lost sport that is Dwarf Tossing / Midget Throwing originated in Australia in the 1980s, a pub game for bored white trash country dudes bored of driving their tractors. According to a website (hosted by the ever-reliable BBC.co.uk, no less):
“This pub sport can be practiced by anyone, as the need for excessive consumption of alcoholic beverages as a preparation is completely optional, but highly recommended. Both men and women can play and even compete with each other. Unfortunately for men , women who generally participate tend to have masculine qualities. This has meant that the usual exchange of shirts at the end of each competition has been discarded, due to constant complaints from women that the shirts they were given were always too small and that they wouldn’t want to wear the shirt of a “chauvinistic pig who had fun throwing out stunted people anyway.”
Big muscles, strong legs, and arbitrary beer belly are the physical secret weapons of a true midget-throwing athlete. However, to fully master the sport, the athlete must also possess the strength of an ox, the speed of a leopard, the timing of a magician, the patience of a predator, and the appearance of a rather large bull sitting on a wasp. In order for “pacified people with their horizontally perpendicular circumstances” to participate in a throwing competition, they must always wear full protective clothing. Injuries are a serious career threat for a Dwarf Pitcher who, on the road, can earn a six-figure sum for allowing people to share his highly specialized field of expertise. “
“Unlike golf, this is a true spectator sport worthy of any Olympic game, but thanks to the interventions of ‘people who negotiate a humor deficiency’ no professional body has been created to organize and fund globally what only can described as the only sport that promotes a non-judgmental view of society (even though there is currently a British Association of Dwarf Throwers). ”
Christopher Reeve shudders in his grave. Lois Lane cries silently.
Are these flying dwarfs getting six-figure salaries? Can this be true? Which makes me wonder: who in the name of Jesus H. Jones pays these people? Is there a Flying Midgets union? Can you imagine putting this on your resume? I wonder if these talented human missiles get paid for danger.
Basically, the rules are as follows; You pick up your selected dwarf (who will probably be adorning some sort of helmet and safety vest), take a three-step run, and throw the little bastard as far as you can. And there you have it, possibly the most non-PC sport ever invented. Whoever gets the furthest with their human missile is the winner. Although I shudder to think what kind of awards would be given. Sexual favors maybe … who knows?
The first of these twisted little events to gain real recognition was the World Dwarf Throwing Championship (I’m not kidding) that took place in 1986, yet another test of what was a messy decade. That particular launch festival was won by the England team: Danny Blue, Roy Merrin and Lenny The Giant, the heroes of the hour.
Making and breaking records.
Take a look at the wonderful newspaper clipping to the right. I guarantee that it is genuine. The current world record for the longest pitch is held by a white trash freak named Cuddles. Hurt. I bet he loves his mommy and everything. The launch was an impressive 12 feet 9 inches. Cuddles belongs to a team of circus runaways who call themselves Oddballs. The Oddballs are mostly famous for their rather daring (and disconcertingly homoerotic) “ balloon dance, ” which basically involves them prancing naked with balloons covering their shrunken and shrunken manhoods.
It seems the local newspapers were all over this event, eager to bring you the latest on this extreme spectator sport for the new millennium. It seems like not much happens in any sleepy country shack where this has taken place (we’ll call it Sheepball-on-sea). Either that, or there was some crazy and disgusting midget sexual fetish at the time …
Oh, and by the way (if you don’t give a shit), according to a random, haggling site that I’ve since forgotten about, the English are still world champions. Another black eye for national pride, I think. We could suck at the Olympics, or any other real sport, but damn, we can really let those midgets fly.
Understandably, when people learned of this sick, offensive, but strangely fascinating sport, which is not PC, they came together en masse to ban it. Wow, that must have been an incredible sight: hundreds of people marching towards the houses of the law, demanding that the vertically disabled have the right to remain on the ground. I wish I was there. Damn hindsight.
It was 1989, and the world’s only support group for the vertically challenged, The Little People Of America, went to Florida and convinced lawmakers that this strange sport is indeed cruel and should stop. The measure banning dwarf tossing was passed by a wide margin, and dwarf tossing was banned in both Florida and New York. Yet in Texas, the LPA’s home state, it can still throw migrants to their heart’s content. Do you want to abuse a dwarf? Now you have to get in your car and drive … Later Dave Flood, who appears on a morning radio show as “Dave the Dwarf”, took the matter to court and outlawed the sport in bars. Thanks Dave.
In Ontario, Canada, the Dwarf Throwing Ban Act of 2003 was enacted, with penalties of a fine of not more than $ 5,000 or imprisonment for a period of not more than six months, or both. Maybe they have a special wing in the prisons for dwarf throwers. Hmm …
Despite all this fancy legal action, this strange sport is still going on today. During my research for this article / compulsive waste of time, I came across a random Satan-type website that had a section on Dwarf Throwing. These photos (see below) were taken at a recent event, probably in the heart of Sheepball-on-sea. One thing I noticed, if you look closely at the photos, is the same dwarf thrown by each of those hickory hillbillies. Poor bastard! That is not right! He doesn’t even get a helmet or anything!
Remember folks, no matter how strange, different, or strangely fascinating this dark and wicked sport may seem, don’t try it. Johnny Law will be two steps behind you ready to throw your bitch ass in jail. You’ve heard of what they do to rapists in prison, right? Imagine what they would do to a dwarf launcher. Bottom line … it’s never great to be a shooter.
An Article By: Part-Time Ninja From [http://www.twistededge.co.uk]